Schadenfreude and Relationships

What is Schadenfreude?

Schadenfreude is the subtle yet unsettling pleasure derived from another person’s misfortune. It is an emotion most of us experience at some point in our lives. While it can be harmless or fleeting in casual settings, its presence in close relationships is particularly complex and potentially damaging. It can signal underlying issues that, if left unaddressed, may erode the trust and intimacy that is so important for healthy relationships.

Where Does Experiencing Schadenfreude come from?

• Social Comparison: At its core, schadenfreude often stems from an unconscious need to boost self-esteem. For instance, a partner who feels insecure about their career may experience a fleeting sense of relief or satisfaction if their more successful partner faces a professional setback.

• Perceived Justice: If one partner feels wronged—perhaps they believe the other isn’t pulling their weight at home or has been dismissive during an argument—they may subconsciously view the other’s misfortune as deserved. For example, a partner who feels underappreciated might feel a pang of satisfaction when their significant other’s ambitious plans fall through.

• Competition within the Relationship: Subtle competition often arises in partnerships where both individuals are high achievers or have strong personalities. One partner might experience schadenfreude if the other fails at a task they excel at, such as a cooking experiment gone wrong after the partner bragged about their culinary skills.

  
  

How does Schadenfreude Affect Close Relationships?

When schadenfreude surfaces in a relationship, it can have important implications for emotional intimacy, communication, and long-term compatibility.

• Erosion of Trust and Emotional Safety

At the heart of any close relationship is the need for emotional safety—the confidence that your partner/friend supports and celebrates your growth, successes, and even your vulnerabilities. If one senses that the other takes pleasure in their misfortunes, it can deeply damage this foundation.

For example, imagine a couple of friends where one struggles with weight loss. If the other subtly jokes about their failed diet attempts or takes satisfaction in their lack of progress, it creates an atmosphere of judgment rather than support. Over time, the affected friend may avoid discussing their goals altogether, creating emotional distance.

• Latent Resentment and Power Imbalances

Schadenfreude often reflects unresolved feelings of envy or resentment. For instance, consider a scenario where one partner in a couple consistently earns more praise or recognition in their career. The other partner, feeling overshadowed or undervalued, might secretly rejoice if their other half gets passed over for a promotion. Such feelings perpetuate a sense of imbalance, preventing the couple from addressing core issues like unmet needs or feelings of inadequacy.

• Impact on Communication

Healthy relationships thrive on open, honest communication. However, schadenfreude introduces an undercurrent of negativity that can make constructive conversations difficult.

For example, after a heated argument, one partner might feel a quiet satisfaction if their significant other stumbles during a presentation the next day. This unspoken resentment can taint future discussions, as the underlying issue still remains unresolved.

• Cycle of Guilt and Distance

For the person experiencing schadenfreude, the momentary satisfaction is often followed by guilt. This guilt can lead to self-loathing, making it difficult to engage with their partner/friend in an authentic way.

How do we Identify Schadenfreude in our Relationships?

Recognizing the presence of schadenfreude is the first step in addressing its impact.

Key signs include:

• Subtle Celebrations of Failure: for example, joking or commenting lightly about a friend’s misfortune in ways that feel unsupportive.

• Avoidance of Supportive Behaviours: lacking empathy or encouragement when a friend faces challenges.

• Lingering Resentment: for example, feeling competitive or envious of a friend’s achievements, and perhaps minimizing their accomplishments during conversations with others.

  
  

It’s important to approach these signs with curiosity rather than judgment, as the roots of schadenfreude often stem from insecurities or unmet emotional needs.

How to Heal and Limit Schadenfreude in Relationships?

To counteract the effects of schadenfreude and prevent it from harming the relationship, we can adopt several strategies:

1. We can Cultivate Self-Awareness

When we experience schadenfreude, we must reflect on its root causes. Is it stemming from envy, resentment or a perceived lack of recognition? Self-awareness is key to understanding and addressing these feelings constructively. For example, a partner who envies their significant other’s success might explore their own goals and consider how to build their self-esteem outside the relationship.

2. We can Foster Open Dialogue

Couples/friends should prioritize honest conversations about their emotions, including vulnerabilities and insecurities. For example, a partner feeling overshadowed by the other’s success can express this constructively: “Sometimes, I feel like I’m not measuring up to all the amazing things you’re accomplishing, and it’s hard for me.” This invites empathy and problem-solving rather than fostering competition.

3. We can Reframe Success and Failure

Rather than viewing our partner’s or friend’s success as a threat, we can work to celebrate each other’s achievements as shared victories. Similarly, setbacks should be seen as opportunities for mutual growth and support.

4. We can Practise Empathy

Empathy can be the antidote to schadenfreude and can be a transformative force to :

Reframe Perspectives

Empathy allows us to shift focus from our own emotional reaction to the other person’s experience. For instance, instead of finding satisfaction in a colleague’s professional failure, empathy encourages us to consider the stress, disappointment, or shame they might be feeling. This reframing promotes compassion over competition.

Address Insecurities

Schadenfreude often stems from personal insecurities. Practicing self-compassion can reduce the need to compare ourselves to others, making it easier to empathize rather than rejoice in their misfortunes.

Strengthen Relationships

In close relationships, moments of vulnerability are opportunities to deepen bonds. Responding with empathy instead of judgment or subtle satisfaction fosters trust and emotional intimacy.

Building Relationships with less schadenfreude

Close relationships thrive when both parties operate as a team, celebrating each other’s victories and providing emotional support in the face of challenges. While schadenfreude is a natural human emotion, its presence in a relationship can signal a need for introspection and communication. By addressing its roots and fostering an environment of empathy, trust, and mutual respect, friends can heal and grow stronger together.

In the end, the strongest relationships are built on the principle that our partner’s/friend’s happiness and success are intertwined with our own. Replacing schadenfreude with shared joy and support creates a foundation for lasting connection and mutual fulfilment.

But we need to keep in mind that emotions are complex and often present dualities, like empathy and schadenfreude for example, which can sometimes coexist within us. Understanding how our emotions interplay will provide insight into ourselves and offer a roadmap that will help us build healthier connections with those who matter to us.

Is our Mind Set? Scarcity or Abundance

Have you noticed how some people always seem to find opportunities everywhere, while others are constantly worried there’s never enough to go around?  Have you ever wondered what created such a difference? Well, it usually boils down to their mindset, and specifically whether they operate from a scarcity mindset or an abundance mindset.

These two ways of thinking don’t just impact our attitude; they shape our entire approach to life, from our career to our relationships and even our happiness.

What is the Scarcity Mindset?

When we perceive the world through the lens of limitation, we believe that resources like time, money, love, success, happiness etc are limited and that if someone else gains something, it reduces what is available for us. For example, if someone else has a promotion at work, we may feel as if we lost that chance of promotion ourselves and become flooded with jealousy and resentment.  It makes sense that if we believe resources are scarce, someone else getting those resources will be perceived as a threat to us and activate our fight or flight response. This way of thinking triggers stress and fear because we are constantly worried about running out or missing out. It is like living in survival mode.

How does the Scarcity Mindset manifest?

We become narrow-minded: When we are stuck in scarcity, we tend to focus on immediate needs rather than long-term goals. For example, we may be so busy worrying about this month’s income or whether our relationship with our partner is at risk that it becomes hard for us to plan for the future.

We let fear motivate us: With scarcity comes fear—fear of losing, fear of failing, fear of not being good enough. This can keep us from taking risks or trying new things because we are scared of what we might lose rather than focusing on what we could gain.  As a result, we may remain stuck in unsatisfying jobs or relationships, or refuse to share knowledge or resources because of the fear of "not having enough."

We make constant comparisons, which leads to envy, jealousy of a fear of missing out.  It fosters hyper-competition rather than collaboration, which erodes trust and connection. We may find ourselves comparing our life, our career, or our appearance to others, and that comparison can drain our self-confidence and happiness.  Visiting social media sites can encourage this comparison and reinforce this mindset.

We become Hoarders: The belief that there is not enough to go around leads to hoarding of resources like money, things, knowledge, time, etc., to give us a false sense of control in the light of this perceived unpredictability.  For example, we might hold on to a job we hate because we fear there won’t be another opportunity or we may accumulate objects in our house, leading to a cluttered space … and mind.

What is the Abundance Mindset?

An abundance mindset is about believing there is enough for everyone to go around, and that the world is full of opportunities. Someone else’s success doesn’t take away from ours. With an abundance mindset, we approach life with the belief that we can create our own opportunities and that growth is always possible.

This way of thinking helps us see beyond immediate stress and limitations, opening up space for long-term vision, creativity, and collaboration. An abundance mindset activates the more evolved parts of our brain that handle problem-solving and emotional regulation, so we become better equipped to deal with challenges.

How does an abundance mindset work in our favour?

Growth mindset:

The concept of an abundance mindset aligns closely with the concept of a growth mindset, with the belief that abilities and intelligence can be developed with effort and learning. The brain’s ability to rewire and grow through experiences (neuroplasticity) also supports this idea. In essence, the more we focus on possibilities and solutions, the more our brain strengthens the neural pathways that support creativity, innovation, resilience and a sense of agency.

Optimism and possibilities:

When we believe in abundance, we tend to focus on solutions, not problems. Instead of thinking, “I can’t,” we start thinking, “How can I?” To the phrase “This was a terrible experience” we could add “and what have I learned from it?” This opens new ways of tackling challenges and makes us more resilient. 

Intrinsic Motivation:

An abundance mindset is driven by intrinsic motivation, i.e. the desire to grow, learn, and contribute, rather than a fear of missing out. We are motivated by purpose rather than fear. Without the fear that there is not enough to go around, we are more likely to seize opportunities that come our way. For example, we might go for a promotion or invest in a new skill, because we believe there is always room to grow, even if we fail at first.  In fact, failure can be embraced as a part of the process of learning.

Social Connection and Collaboration:

The abundance mindset enhances social connections by encouraging collaboration and trust. Us humans are hardwired for cooperation. When we perceive resources as plentiful, we are more willing to share, collaborate, and build community, reinforcing bonds that benefit us as individuals but also the group. In contrast with competition which isolates (and there is growing evidence that isolation is closely linked with depression), collaboration builds greater success for everyone involved.

What practices can help us shift from Scarcity to Abundance?

Although the mindset that we have adopted throughout our life can be deeply ingrained, shifting from a scarcity mindset to an abundance one is possible with intentional effort.

So, how can we rewire our brain’s automatic responses to a more abundant approach?

Practice gratitude: Gratitude helps us focus on what is present rather than what is lacking. Over time, this trains the brain to notice abundance in everyday life. Writing down three things we are grateful for every day or taking a few minutes in the morning to reflect on what’s going well is a good place to start.

Practice mindfulness: Mindfulness practices help us become more aware of our thoughts and emotions without reacting impulsively. When we notice feelings of scarcity or fear, mindfulness can provide the space to pause, reflect, and choose a more abundant response. Over time, this practice enhances emotional regulation and reduces stress.

Reframe our thinking: Reframing involves recognising our catastrophising or black and white thoughts, and consciously shifting them. For example, instead of thinking, “There’s not enough time,” we can reframe it as, “How can I use my time effectively?” This helps retrain our brain to see solutions instead of limitations.

Surround ourselves with abundant thinkers: The people we spend time with influence our mindset more than we may think. Surrounding ourself with people who embrace abundance can have a powerful influence on our own mindset. Social connections with people who value generosity, collaboration and growth can help shift our mindset.

Focus on Growth and Contribution: We need to embrace the idea that life is about growth and improvement, not just reaching a specific goal. When we focus on what we are learning rather than what we are achieving, failure doesn’t feel as scary because it becomes part of the process. This will promote a deeper sense of purpose and abundance.

Conclusion: Unlocking our potential

The difference between the scarcity mindset and the abundance mindset is profound, our mindset not only shapes our thoughts but also our emotions, behaviours, and life outcomes. The scarcity mindset keeps us locked in fear, limitation and stress, while the abundance mindset opens the door to growth, possibility, and fulfilment.

We have the power to choose how we see the world. With a bit of practice and some intentional changes, we can shift from scarcity to abundance, which may make things possible that were seemingly not possible before.

Yes, life is full of possibilities.

We just need to start seeing them!

‘Walk and Talk Therapy’ - Embracing the path to mental wellness, one step at a time

Whether you’re dealing with anxiety, depression, grief, anger, relationship difficulties, or are feeling stuck in repeating unhealthy patterns, Walk and Talk Therapy may be the breath of fresh air you need to move forward in your unique journey.  This dynamic approach combines the benefits of traditional counselling with the physical and mental benefits of walking in nature.

What is Walk and Talk Therapy?

Rather than sitting in a chair in a counsellor’s practice, client and counsellor walk side by side, in a park or along a footpath. The pace is gentle, always set by the client, and the focus is more on the conversation than the physical exercise. This approach creates a relaxed environment that helps the client feel more comfortable and makes it easier for them to share and explore deeply buried issues.

The Benefits of Walk and Talk Therapy

Connection with Nature

One of the benefits of Walk and Talk Therapy is the connection with nature, which reduces stress, improves mood, and increases overall well-being. The natural environment serves as a calming backdrop, helping to alleviate anxiety and depression while encouraging a sense of peace and tranquillity.

Physical Movement

Movement itself is therapeutic. Walking promotes the release of endorphins, the body's natural mood enhancers, which can help reduce symptoms of anxiety and depression. The rhythmic nature of walking also helps process thoughts and emotions.

A Sense of Progress

When we move our bodies and shift our environment, we can think differently about aspects of our lives that have before seemed immovable. Walking forward physically can symbolize moving forward emotionally. This metaphor of movement and progress can be empowering and can reinforce the idea for clients that they are taking active steps in their mental health journey.

Reduced Intensity

For some people, the traditional face-to-face setup in a counsellor’s practice can feel intense and sometimes intimidating. Walking side by side in an open environment can lessen the pressure, with a sense of equality and union in the partnership between client and counsellor. This can be especially beneficial for those who prefer more informal settings to express themselves.

Improved Focus and Creativity

Walking can enhance self-awareness and creativity. As we walk, we may find that our thoughts flow more freely, allowing for deeper self-reflection and more insightful conversations. The changing environment and sensory stimuli encountered during a walk can also help to spark new ideas and new perspectives. The outdoors environment can be incorporated as part of the therapeutic work, such as by using natural grounding tools or nature-based metaphors.

What should you consider before having outdoor therapy?

Is Walk and Talk Therapy Right for me?

While Walk and Talk Therapy offers many benefits, it is not the right fit for everyone. Some people may prefer the confidentiality and structure of a traditional therapy setting. Additionally, individuals with certain physical limitations may find walking uncomfortable or challenging. It is essential we have an open discussion to determine if this approach aligns with your needs and preferences.

What if I’m not used to walking?

I will adjust the pace of our walk to suit your comfort level. You can decide whether to walk continuously or to take breaks, such as sitting on a bench. The sessions are flexible and tailored to your needs.

What happens if the weather isn’t ideal?

I am open to conducting sessions in various weather conditions, but if you have specific preferences, it’s important to communicate this to me. If the weather is too hot or rainy, I might suggest an alternative plan such as working online. 

How is confidentiality maintained?

Before the first walk and talk therapy session, I will inform you of how confidentiality can be implemented in a natural environment. Because walk and talk therapy takes place in a natural setting, there could be times when nearby people may hear parts of a session. To prevent this, we will temporarily pause the conversation until privacy is restored.

What about maintaining boundaries?

Although the physical setting is different, the professional boundaries between client and counsellor remain the same. The therapeutic relationship and working agreement are still in effect, ensuring emotional safety and integrity. I will explain these boundaries clearly during the first session.

Conclusion

Walk and talk therapy offers the perfect blend of mental clarity from counselling and the mood-boosting power of a good walk! By stepping out of the traditional counselling practice setting and into the fresh air, this dynamic approach creates a sense of freedom that simply sitting in a chair can’t provide. It's a refreshing, energizing way to work through your feelings while embracing the outdoors.

So, if you’re ready to take active steps—literally and emotionally—toward better mental health, lace up those shoes and let’s get moving!