The Holiday Challenges of an ADHD'er

You would think that waking up in a new, distant and beautiful land with complete free time, no schedule or morning alarm would be a dream come true.  This may be the case for a neurotypical person, but perhaps not for you if you have ADHD. Let’s explore the reasons why.

1 - Planning the holiday

So, before you can struggle to relax in Paris, you have to actually book the place to stay at, and this will be your first major difficulty. Initially, it feels extremely exciting.  You sit down to look for a charming Parisian hotel, and you end up 3 hours later with 20 tabs open on your PC, you have become an expert on the hidden secrets of the Louvres and where to find the best crêperies in Paris.  This research phase provides a massive, immediate dopamine hit because of the novelty.

However, when it comes to deciding which hotel to book, you freeze.  You tell yourself that if you book the wrong hotel, it will ruin the holiday, and your family will talk about it for years to come.  This fear of making the wrong choice is closely linked to rejection sensitivity dysphoria (RSD), which can feel like physical pain triggered by the perception of failure or rejection. A fight or flight response occurs over a simple hotel reservation, and your brain chooses to freeze to avoid the overwhelming potential for failure.  So, what do you do?  You close the tabs and decide you’ll book the hotel later.  Sadly, this comes at a price. You end up booking everything at the last minute, paying more as a result and making mistakes in the process because of the urgency of the situation you have created.

Dealing with the planning phase of a holiday can indeed be quite exhausting…

2 - Safety nets

• Insurance

Time blindness, the inability to sense the passing of time, can lead to chaos for ADHD’ers. One minute, you’re looking at the Coco Mademoiselle perfume range in the terminal, and before you know it, you hear your name being urgently called to the departure lounge.  This is why taking travel insurance is crucial for ADHD’ers.

• Medication

And what about your ADHD medication? Do you take a break while on holiday? It may sound nice to stockpile your meds, but without medication, the brain lacks the dopamine to regulate emotions.  As a result, reactions can be big and fast, and impatience can become problematic when you're just trying to sit and chat with your loved ones.  You can also end up hyper-focusing on a random stimulating activity for hours and missing out on the charm of the 'Ville Lumière'.

If on the other hand you decide to travel with your medication, you may need to bring a copy of your prescription or diagnosis and check beforehand that your meds are not restricted substances where you’re travelling to.

• Interpersonal safety net

To avoid the fear, decision paralysis and potential RSD of booking and planning, you may unconsciously delegate all the administrative tasks to your neurotypical family members or partner, leaving them in charge of the passports, booking the flights and managing the itinerary.  This might create resentment from your partner or family if they do not fully understand your internal struggles.  To them, you may be a highly capable, intelligent adult who appears to refuse to help book a simple flight.  Not a great start to a romantic getaway to Paris with your partner…

3 - The holiday experience

So, the flights and the hotel are booked, the medication has cleared through customs, your relationship is still intact (almost), and you are finally in Paris.  You're sitting on the balcony of your hotel, sipping a Pernod, everything is objectively perfect, but to just sit back and relax for a chronically under-stimulated brain that is starving for engagement, it can feel like a painful void. So, your brain starts searching for dopamine.  You start doom-scrolling on your phone, reading stressful news just to create an artificial sense of urgency and alertness as a way to self-medicate the boredom that is engulfing you. 

Other ADHD’ers may go the opposite way and seek extreme novelty in environments of low stimulation.  That’s where impulsivity can be a bit of an issue.  Like going on a long stroll through the streets of Paris without bringing water or sunscreen, resulting in sunburn and a much lighter wallet after buying drinks at an expensive café on the Champs Élysées.

Or you could have the entirely opposite reaction, and impose rigid routines on the holiday.  You may demand that the family eats at the exact same time every day or refuse to alter a pre-planned walking route. To a partner, this may look like you’re a bit of a dictator. But for an ADHD brain that struggles to naturally filter incoming information, the chaos of being in a new and different place can feel overwhelming, and imposing a rigid routine is simply a way to build a temporary 'exoskeleton' to manage the internal chaos. You’re not being bossy; you are simply trying to not feel overwhelmed.

4 - The return journey

The holiday has been this constant, exhausting, tightrope walk between under-stimulation and sensory overload. But eventually, the trip has to end, and the dopamine from the novelty of the trip is entirely gone, you're physically fatigued, and your working memory is completely depleted. Object permanence can completely fail on the way home, as you navigate an unfamiliar airport, retrieve luggage and go through security protocols.  It can take up all of your available working memory.  So, this is when you are the most at risk of losing something, like leaving your phone charger plugged in the airport waiting lounge or your sunglasses on a restaurant table.

Finally comes the challenge of remembering where you parked your car. You're wandering around for an hour, clicking your key, desperately listening for a faint beep in a sea of cars in the airport carpark.  This is exactly why having strict habits is vital. For an ADHD’er, taking a photo with your phone of the level and aisle number where your car is parked is a vital survival skill.

5 - The post-holiday adjustment period

For the ADHD brain, returning home triggers a motivational crash, because you have to transition back to the mundane reality of daily life. But the original exoskeleton of work and routines that kept you functioning before the trip has to be entirely rebuilt from scratch.

Task initiation drops to rock bottom and your suitcase may stay unpacked on your bedroom floor for a few more weeks...

Doing laundry, going through the mail, answering emails, can also feel like your brain is struggling to boot back up.

These transition periods, both leaving your routine and trying to re-enter it, are always hard to navigate for a neurodivergent brain.

6 - Solutions for a happier holiday

Recognising the underlying mechanisms, the dopamine-driven research, the RSD paralysing your booking, the need for routine amid sensory chaos, and the working memory failures is the first step. Once you see the patterns, you can plan a holiday that can genuinely restore you!

• Start with reframing how you view structure. We tend to think of structure for a holiday as confining, but for the ADHD brain, structure creates freedom because it eliminates decision fatigue. You don't have to make a plan before breakfast about what you are going to do, which drains all your executive energy.  An effective strategy is to have just one or two priority anchor activities a day, like for example plan a museum tour at 11am or a dinner reservation at 7pm.  You then have the freedom to be spontaneous in the spaces between those anchor points without feeling paralysed by the infinite possibilities of an entirely blank day.

  
  

• Use visual packing lists and organise your toiletries and electronics in clear bags.  This will save you rummaging through bags and emptying them at airport security.

  
  

• Another strategy for the planning phase is body doubling : have a friend or partner sit in the room with you while you tackle the booking or the packing. They don't even have to help, they could be doing their own thing, but their presence provides a gentle external anchor that keeps you tethered to the task. If you start drifting into a 45-minute digression about French Restaurants near the Eiffel Tower, their physical presence reminds your brain of the actual goal.

  
  

• Once you are actually on the trip, the focus has to shift to sensory management. Bring noise-cancelling headphones for airports or noisy cities, a sleep mask to ensure you can get restorative sleep in a bright hotel room, and rely on alarms to wake up, take your medication and eat meals to prevent feeling hangry.  Maintain regular sleep and wake times if you can, familiar exercise habits and self-care routines.  When a plan goes wrong (it inevitably will…), try not to make any decision if you are hungry or running on empty.  Instead, eat something or take a nap to let the initial frustration pass, and then think of an alternative plan.

  
  

• Play to your actual strengths: Acknowledge your challenges, communicate them clearly and divide the responsibilities based on actual capabilities, not societal expectations. This requires a real level of self-awareness and unmasking, it is about designing a trip for the brain you have, not the brain you think you're supposed to have.

If holidays consistently leave you exhausted, it's not a character flaw or a personal failing, it's just a sign that your brain is operating without its usual exoskeleton, and it needs a different kind of support to navigate all that ‘freedom’.

Perhaps true relaxation for you may not be about doing nothing, but more about finding the exact right kind of something to engage with.

Lots to think about before you book your next trip to Paris!

Schadenfreude and Relationships

What is Schadenfreude?

Understanding Schadenfreude and Its Impact on Relationships

Schadenfreude is the pleasure we get from someone else’s misfortune.  It is quite a complex emotion which most of us experience at some point, and it can feel quite uncomfortable!

Although it is a natural human experience, its presence can have negative consequences in personal or professional relationships.

What are the Roots of Schadenfreude?

Three sources may be giving rise to this feeling according to psychological studies:

• Comparison: witnessing another person’s failure may temporarily boost our self-esteem, especially when the other person is perceived as more successful than us.

• Justice: When the person suffering the misfortune appears to deserve it, for example if they behaved arrogantly or unethically.  In this case, schadenfreude can feel acceptable as a form of moral balance.

• In-Out Group Dynamics: We are more likely to feel schadenfreude toward people outside our social group; this stems from evolution, as loyalty to one’s group was crucial for our survival.

How Does Schadenfreude Affect Close Relationships

Schadenfreude is likely to signal underlying problems when it occurs in close relationships. 

• In romantic relationships: We need to feel emotional safe for a romantic relationship to be healthy, with the knowledge that our partner truly celebrates our growth and success. If we sense that our partner is secretly enjoying one of our setbacks, this can significantly shake the foundation of the relationship.

• In friendships: The person receiving schadenfreude from a friend may feel unsupported or even betrayed.  It can create an atmosphere of judgement rather than support and erode trust and authenticity between friends.

• In work relationships: Schadenfreude at a colleague’s mistake at work could negatively affect constructive collaboration, and lead to people refraining from sharing or asking for support. It also brings a current of negativity that promotes competition, and subsequently isolation.

 The Psychological Effects on the "Giver" and the "Receiver"

• The giver: It is often noted that, after a short-lived “high” for the person who experiences schadenfreude, the initial feeling is often followed by guilt or shame.  This is especially true if the misfortune was severe. Self-image can then be affected by the inner conflict experienced, a sense of cognitive dissonance, where emotions and moral values do not align.

• The receiver: Detecting schadenfreude from others can deeply damage relationships, because it can create a sense of vulnerability and sometimes even betrayal, and the individuals may become less inclined to share their struggles or celebrate successes. This may lead to a sense of isolation, loss and loneliness.

How do we start noticing Schadenfreude in our Relationships?

The key signs to notice could be:

• Celebrating other people’s failures in a subtle way: we may make a joke about a friend’s misfortune or minimise their pain.

• Avoiding Supportive Behaviours: when we lack compassion or do not provide encouragement as a friend faces a challenge.

• Resentment:  we may feel competitive or envious of a friend’s achievements, and as a result we may minimise what they have accomplished when we talk about them with others.

  
  

It is likely that the roots of schadenfreude stem from insecurities or from unmet emotional needs, and it is therefore better to have a mindset of curiosity rather than judgment when we notice the signs.

How do We Diminish Schadenfreude in Relationships?

One could consider the following strategies to help lessen schadenfreude and prevent it from harming relationships:

1.       Nurture Empathy

If you imagine the real emotional impact the misfortune is having on the other person, it can help reduce the feelings of pleasure we feel. This reframing will promote compassion over competition.

In close relationships, moments of vulnerability can be opportunities to deepen bonds, so responding with empathy instead of a subtle satisfaction will help create  a sense of trust and emotional intimacy.

2.       Cultivate self-awareness

we must reflect on the root causes of schadenfreude to start addressing these feelings constructively. Are they stemming from envy, from resentment or from a perceived lack of recognition, for example?

3.       Try having more open dialogues

This means prioritising honest conversations about our emotions, talking about our vulnerabilities and insecurities. This will invite more empathy, a more constructive approach with less  competition.

4.       Reframing success and Failure

If we do not view our partner’s or friend’s success as a threat, we will find it easier to celebrate their achievements as shared victories. Setbacks, in a similar way, could be looked at as opportunities for mutual growth and support.

5.       Practice Gratitude

Focusing on your own blessings may diminish the need to compare yourself to others.

Conclusion

Schadenfreude is a natural human emotion, and if we become more aware of its presence in a relationship, it can signal to us the presence of unmet needs. If unacknowledged, this emotion can undermine trust, connection, and mutual respect. Addressing the roots of schadenfreude within an environment of empathy, trust, and mutual respect will help friends or partners heal and grow stronger together.

Of course, we need to keep in mind that emotions are complex things and often present dualities. For example, empathy and schadenfreude sometimes coexist within us. Understanding how our emotions interplay can provide a precious insight into ourselves and offer a roadmap to help us build healthier connections with those who matter to us.

Close relationships thrive when we operate as a team, when we celebrate each other’s victories and when we provide emotional support to each other in the face of challenges.

They are built on the principle that our partner’s and friends' happiness and successes are intertwined with our own.

Is our Mind Set? Scarcity or Abundance

Have you noticed how some people always seem to find opportunities everywhere, while others are constantly worried there’s never enough to go around?  Have you ever wondered what created such a difference? Well, it usually boils down to their mindset, and specifically whether they operate from a scarcity mindset or an abundance mindset.

These two ways of thinking don’t just impact our attitude; they shape our entire approach to life, from our career to our relationships and even our happiness.

What is the Scarcity Mindset?

When we perceive the world through the lens of limitation, we believe that resources like time, money, love, success, happiness etc are limited and that if someone else gains something, it reduces what is available for us. For example, if someone else has a promotion at work, we may feel as if we lost that chance of promotion ourselves and become flooded with jealousy and resentment.  It makes sense that if we believe resources are scarce, someone else getting those resources will be perceived as a threat to us and activate our fight or flight response. This way of thinking triggers stress and fear because we are constantly worried about running out or missing out. It is like living in survival mode.

How does the Scarcity Mindset manifest?

We become narrow-minded: When we are stuck in scarcity, we tend to focus on immediate needs rather than long-term goals. For example, we may be so busy worrying about this month’s income or whether our relationship with our partner is at risk that it becomes hard for us to plan for the future.

We let fear motivate us: With scarcity comes fear—fear of losing, fear of failing, fear of not being good enough. This can keep us from taking risks or trying new things because we are scared of what we might lose rather than focusing on what we could gain.  As a result, we may remain stuck in unsatisfying jobs or relationships, or refuse to share knowledge or resources because of the fear of "not having enough."

We make constant comparisons, which leads to envy, jealousy of a fear of missing out.  It fosters hyper-competition rather than collaboration, which erodes trust and connection. We may find ourselves comparing our life, our career, or our appearance to others, and that comparison can drain our self-confidence and happiness.  Visiting social media sites can encourage this comparison and reinforce this mindset.

We become Hoarders: The belief that there is not enough to go around leads to hoarding of resources like money, things, knowledge, time, etc., to give us a false sense of control in the light of this perceived unpredictability.  For example, we might hold on to a job we hate because we fear there won’t be another opportunity or we may accumulate objects in our house, leading to a cluttered space … and mind.

What is the Abundance Mindset?

An abundance mindset is about believing there is enough for everyone to go around, and that the world is full of opportunities. Someone else’s success doesn’t take away from ours. With an abundance mindset, we approach life with the belief that we can create our own opportunities and that growth is always possible.

This way of thinking helps us see beyond immediate stress and limitations, opening up space for long-term vision, creativity, and collaboration. An abundance mindset activates the more evolved parts of our brain that handle problem-solving and emotional regulation, so we become better equipped to deal with challenges.

How does an abundance mindset work in our favour?

Growth mindset:

The concept of an abundance mindset aligns closely with the concept of a growth mindset, with the belief that abilities and intelligence can be developed with effort and learning. The brain’s ability to rewire and grow through experiences (neuroplasticity) also supports this idea. In essence, the more we focus on possibilities and solutions, the more our brain strengthens the neural pathways that support creativity, innovation, resilience and a sense of agency.

Optimism and possibilities:

When we believe in abundance, we tend to focus on solutions, not problems. Instead of thinking, “I can’t,” we start thinking, “How can I?” To the phrase “This was a terrible experience” we could add “and what have I learned from it?” This opens new ways of tackling challenges and makes us more resilient. 

Intrinsic Motivation:

An abundance mindset is driven by intrinsic motivation, i.e. the desire to grow, learn, and contribute, rather than a fear of missing out. We are motivated by purpose rather than fear. Without the fear that there is not enough to go around, we are more likely to seize opportunities that come our way. For example, we might go for a promotion or invest in a new skill, because we believe there is always room to grow, even if we fail at first.  In fact, failure can be embraced as a part of the process of learning.

Social Connection and Collaboration:

The abundance mindset enhances social connections by encouraging collaboration and trust. Us humans are hardwired for cooperation. When we perceive resources as plentiful, we are more willing to share, collaborate, and build community, reinforcing bonds that benefit us as individuals but also the group. In contrast with competition which isolates (and there is growing evidence that isolation is closely linked with depression), collaboration builds greater success for everyone involved.

What practices can help us shift from Scarcity to Abundance?

Although the mindset that we have adopted throughout our life can be deeply ingrained, shifting from a scarcity mindset to an abundance one is possible with intentional effort.

So, how can we rewire our brain’s automatic responses to a more abundant approach?

Practice gratitude: Gratitude helps us focus on what is present rather than what is lacking. Over time, this trains the brain to notice abundance in everyday life. Writing down three things we are grateful for every day or taking a few minutes in the morning to reflect on what’s going well is a good place to start.

Practice mindfulness: Mindfulness practices help us become more aware of our thoughts and emotions without reacting impulsively. When we notice feelings of scarcity or fear, mindfulness can provide the space to pause, reflect, and choose a more abundant response. Over time, this practice enhances emotional regulation and reduces stress.

Reframe our thinking: Reframing involves recognising our catastrophising or black and white thoughts, and consciously shifting them. For example, instead of thinking, “There’s not enough time,” we can reframe it as, “How can I use my time effectively?” This helps retrain our brain to see solutions instead of limitations.

Surround ourselves with abundant thinkers: The people we spend time with influence our mindset more than we may think. Surrounding ourself with people who embrace abundance can have a powerful influence on our own mindset. Social connections with people who value generosity, collaboration and growth can help shift our mindset.

Focus on Growth and Contribution: We need to embrace the idea that life is about growth and improvement, not just reaching a specific goal. When we focus on what we are learning rather than what we are achieving, failure doesn’t feel as scary because it becomes part of the process. This will promote a deeper sense of purpose and abundance.

Conclusion: Unlocking our potential

The difference between the scarcity mindset and the abundance mindset is profound, our mindset not only shapes our thoughts but also our emotions, behaviours, and life outcomes. The scarcity mindset keeps us locked in fear, limitation and stress, while the abundance mindset opens the door to growth, possibility, and fulfilment.

We have the power to choose how we see the world. With a bit of practice and some intentional changes, we can shift from scarcity to abundance, which may make things possible that were seemingly not possible before.

Yes, life is full of possibilities.

We just need to start seeing them!