Schadenfreude and Relationships

What is Schadenfreude?

Understanding Schadenfreude and Its Impact on Relationships

Schadenfreude is the pleasure we get from someone else’s misfortune.  It is quite a complex emotion which most of us experience at some point, and it can feel quite uncomfortable!

Although it is a natural human experience, its presence can have negative consequences in personal or professional relationships.

What are the Roots of Schadenfreude?

Three sources may be giving rise to this feeling according to psychological studies:

• Comparison: witnessing another person’s failure may temporarily boost our self-esteem, especially when the other person is perceived as more successful than us.

• Justice: When the person suffering the misfortune appears to deserve it, for example if they behaved arrogantly or unethically.  In this case, schadenfreude can feel acceptable as a form of moral balance.

• In-Out Group Dynamics: We are more likely to feel schadenfreude toward people outside our social group; this stems from evolution, as loyalty to one’s group was crucial for our survival.

How Does Schadenfreude Affect Close Relationships

Schadenfreude is likely to signal underlying problems when it occurs in close relationships. 

• In romantic relationships: We need to feel emotional safe for a romantic relationship to be healthy, with the knowledge that our partner truly celebrates our growth and success. If we sense that our partner is secretly enjoying one of our setbacks, this can significantly shake the foundation of the relationship.

• In friendships: The person receiving schadenfreude from a friend may feel unsupported or even betrayed.  It can create an atmosphere of judgement rather than support and erode trust and authenticity between friends.

• In work relationships: Schadenfreude at a colleague’s mistake at work could negatively affect constructive collaboration, and lead to people refraining from sharing or asking for support. It also brings a current of negativity that promotes competition, and subsequently isolation.

 The Psychological Effects on the "Giver" and the "Receiver"

• The giver: It is often noted that, after a short-lived “high” for the person who experiences schadenfreude, the initial feeling is often followed by guilt or shame.  This is especially true if the misfortune was severe. Self-image can then be affected by the inner conflict experienced, a sense of cognitive dissonance, where emotions and moral values do not align.

• The receiver: Detecting schadenfreude from others can deeply damage relationships, because it can create a sense of vulnerability and sometimes even betrayal, and the individuals may become less inclined to share their struggles or celebrate successes. This may lead to a sense of isolation, loss and loneliness.

How do we start noticing Schadenfreude in our Relationships?

The key signs to notice could be:

• Celebrating other people’s failures in a subtle way: we may make a joke about a friend’s misfortune or minimise their pain.

• Avoiding Supportive Behaviours: when we lack compassion or do not provide encouragement as a friend faces a challenge.

• Resentment:  we may feel competitive or envious of a friend’s achievements, and as a result we may minimise what they have accomplished when we talk about them with others.

  
  

It is likely that the roots of schadenfreude stem from insecurities or from unmet emotional needs, and it is therefore better to have a mindset of curiosity rather than judgment when we notice the signs.

How do We Diminish Schadenfreude in Relationships?

One could consider the following strategies to help lessen schadenfreude and prevent it from harming relationships:

1.       Nurture Empathy

If you imagine the real emotional impact the misfortune is having on the other person, it can help reduce the feelings of pleasure we feel. This reframing will promote compassion over competition.

In close relationships, moments of vulnerability can be opportunities to deepen bonds, so responding with empathy instead of a subtle satisfaction will help create  a sense of trust and emotional intimacy.

2.       Cultivate self-awareness

we must reflect on its root causes of schadenfreude to start addressing these feelings constructively. Are they stemming from envy, from resentment or from a perceived lack of recognition, for example?

3.       Try having more open dialogues

This means prioritising honest conversations about our emotions, talking about our vulnerabilities and insecurities. This will invite more empathy, a more constructive approach with less  competition.

4.       Reframing success and Failure

If we do not view our partner’s or friend’s success as a threat, we will find it easier to celebrate their achievements as shared victories. Setbacks, in a similar way, could be looked at as opportunities for mutual growth and support.

5.       Practice Gratitude

Focusing on your own blessings may diminish the need to compare yourself to others.

Conclusion

Schadenfreude is a natural human emotion, and if we become more aware of its presence in a relationship, it can signal to us the presence of unmet needs. If unacknowledged, this emotion can undermine trust, connection, and mutual respect. Addressing the roots of schadenfreude within an environment of empathy, trust, and mutual respect will help friends or partners heal and grow stronger together.

Of course, we need to keep in mind that emotions are complex things and often present dualities. For example, empathy and schadenfreude sometimes coexist within us. Understanding how our emotions interplay can provide a precious insight into ourselves and offer a roadmap to help us build healthier connections with those who matter to us.

Close relationships thrive when we operate as a team, when we celebrate each other’s victories and when we provide emotional support to each other in the face of challenges.

They are built on the principle that our partner’s and friend’s happiness and success are intertwined with our own.

Is our Mind Set? Scarcity or Abundance

Have you noticed how some people always seem to find opportunities everywhere, while others are constantly worried there’s never enough to go around?  Have you ever wondered what created such a difference? Well, it usually boils down to their mindset, and specifically whether they operate from a scarcity mindset or an abundance mindset.

These two ways of thinking don’t just impact our attitude; they shape our entire approach to life, from our career to our relationships and even our happiness.

What is the Scarcity Mindset?

When we perceive the world through the lens of limitation, we believe that resources like time, money, love, success, happiness etc are limited and that if someone else gains something, it reduces what is available for us. For example, if someone else has a promotion at work, we may feel as if we lost that chance of promotion ourselves and become flooded with jealousy and resentment.  It makes sense that if we believe resources are scarce, someone else getting those resources will be perceived as a threat to us and activate our fight or flight response. This way of thinking triggers stress and fear because we are constantly worried about running out or missing out. It is like living in survival mode.

How does the Scarcity Mindset manifest?

We become narrow-minded: When we are stuck in scarcity, we tend to focus on immediate needs rather than long-term goals. For example, we may be so busy worrying about this month’s income or whether our relationship with our partner is at risk that it becomes hard for us to plan for the future.

We let fear motivate us: With scarcity comes fear—fear of losing, fear of failing, fear of not being good enough. This can keep us from taking risks or trying new things because we are scared of what we might lose rather than focusing on what we could gain.  As a result, we may remain stuck in unsatisfying jobs or relationships, or refuse to share knowledge or resources because of the fear of "not having enough."

We make constant comparisons, which leads to envy, jealousy of a fear of missing out.  It fosters hyper-competition rather than collaboration, which erodes trust and connection. We may find ourselves comparing our life, our career, or our appearance to others, and that comparison can drain our self-confidence and happiness.  Visiting social media sites can encourage this comparison and reinforce this mindset.

We become Hoarders: The belief that there is not enough to go around leads to hoarding of resources like money, things, knowledge, time, etc., to give us a false sense of control in the light of this perceived unpredictability.  For example, we might hold on to a job we hate because we fear there won’t be another opportunity or we may accumulate objects in our house, leading to a cluttered space … and mind.

What is the Abundance Mindset?

An abundance mindset is about believing there is enough for everyone to go around, and that the world is full of opportunities. Someone else’s success doesn’t take away from ours. With an abundance mindset, we approach life with the belief that we can create our own opportunities and that growth is always possible.

This way of thinking helps us see beyond immediate stress and limitations, opening up space for long-term vision, creativity, and collaboration. An abundance mindset activates the more evolved parts of our brain that handle problem-solving and emotional regulation, so we become better equipped to deal with challenges.

How does an abundance mindset work in our favour?

Growth mindset:

The concept of an abundance mindset aligns closely with the concept of a growth mindset, with the belief that abilities and intelligence can be developed with effort and learning. The brain’s ability to rewire and grow through experiences (neuroplasticity) also supports this idea. In essence, the more we focus on possibilities and solutions, the more our brain strengthens the neural pathways that support creativity, innovation, resilience and a sense of agency.

Optimism and possibilities:

When we believe in abundance, we tend to focus on solutions, not problems. Instead of thinking, “I can’t,” we start thinking, “How can I?” To the phrase “This was a terrible experience” we could add “and what have I learned from it?” This opens new ways of tackling challenges and makes us more resilient. 

Intrinsic Motivation:

An abundance mindset is driven by intrinsic motivation, i.e. the desire to grow, learn, and contribute, rather than a fear of missing out. We are motivated by purpose rather than fear. Without the fear that there is not enough to go around, we are more likely to seize opportunities that come our way. For example, we might go for a promotion or invest in a new skill, because we believe there is always room to grow, even if we fail at first.  In fact, failure can be embraced as a part of the process of learning.

Social Connection and Collaboration:

The abundance mindset enhances social connections by encouraging collaboration and trust. Us humans are hardwired for cooperation. When we perceive resources as plentiful, we are more willing to share, collaborate, and build community, reinforcing bonds that benefit us as individuals but also the group. In contrast with competition which isolates (and there is growing evidence that isolation is closely linked with depression), collaboration builds greater success for everyone involved.

What practices can help us shift from Scarcity to Abundance?

Although the mindset that we have adopted throughout our life can be deeply ingrained, shifting from a scarcity mindset to an abundance one is possible with intentional effort.

So, how can we rewire our brain’s automatic responses to a more abundant approach?

Practice gratitude: Gratitude helps us focus on what is present rather than what is lacking. Over time, this trains the brain to notice abundance in everyday life. Writing down three things we are grateful for every day or taking a few minutes in the morning to reflect on what’s going well is a good place to start.

Practice mindfulness: Mindfulness practices help us become more aware of our thoughts and emotions without reacting impulsively. When we notice feelings of scarcity or fear, mindfulness can provide the space to pause, reflect, and choose a more abundant response. Over time, this practice enhances emotional regulation and reduces stress.

Reframe our thinking: Reframing involves recognising our catastrophising or black and white thoughts, and consciously shifting them. For example, instead of thinking, “There’s not enough time,” we can reframe it as, “How can I use my time effectively?” This helps retrain our brain to see solutions instead of limitations.

Surround ourselves with abundant thinkers: The people we spend time with influence our mindset more than we may think. Surrounding ourself with people who embrace abundance can have a powerful influence on our own mindset. Social connections with people who value generosity, collaboration and growth can help shift our mindset.

Focus on Growth and Contribution: We need to embrace the idea that life is about growth and improvement, not just reaching a specific goal. When we focus on what we are learning rather than what we are achieving, failure doesn’t feel as scary because it becomes part of the process. This will promote a deeper sense of purpose and abundance.

Conclusion: Unlocking our potential

The difference between the scarcity mindset and the abundance mindset is profound, our mindset not only shapes our thoughts but also our emotions, behaviours, and life outcomes. The scarcity mindset keeps us locked in fear, limitation and stress, while the abundance mindset opens the door to growth, possibility, and fulfilment.

We have the power to choose how we see the world. With a bit of practice and some intentional changes, we can shift from scarcity to abundance, which may make things possible that were seemingly not possible before.

Yes, life is full of possibilities.

We just need to start seeing them!

‘Walk and Talk Therapy’ - Embracing the path to mental wellness, one step at a time

Whether you’re dealing with anxiety, depression, grief, anger, relationship difficulties, or are feeling stuck in repeating unhealthy patterns, Walk and Talk Therapy may be the breath of fresh air you need to move forward in your unique journey.  This dynamic approach combines the benefits of traditional counselling with the physical and mental benefits of walking in nature.

What is Walk and Talk Therapy?

Rather than sitting in a chair in a counsellor’s practice, client and counsellor walk side by side, in a park or along a footpath. The pace is gentle, always set by the client, and the focus is more on the conversation than the physical exercise. This approach creates a relaxed environment that helps the client feel more comfortable and makes it easier for them to share and explore deeply buried issues.

The Benefits of Walk and Talk Therapy

Connection with Nature

One of the benefits of Walk and Talk Therapy is the connection with nature, which reduces stress, improves mood, and increases overall well-being. The natural environment serves as a calming backdrop, helping to alleviate anxiety and depression while encouraging a sense of peace and tranquillity.

Physical Movement

Movement itself is therapeutic. Walking promotes the release of endorphins, the body's natural mood enhancers, which can help reduce symptoms of anxiety and depression. The rhythmic nature of walking also helps process thoughts and emotions.

A Sense of Progress

When we move our bodies and shift our environment, we can think differently about aspects of our lives that have before seemed immovable. Walking forward physically can symbolize moving forward emotionally. This metaphor of movement and progress can be empowering and can reinforce the idea for clients that they are taking active steps in their mental health journey.

Reduced Intensity

For some people, the traditional face-to-face setup in a counsellor’s practice can feel intense and sometimes intimidating. Walking side by side in an open environment can lessen the pressure, with a sense of equality and union in the partnership between client and counsellor. This can be especially beneficial for those who prefer more informal settings to express themselves.

Improved Focus and Creativity

Walking can enhance self-awareness and creativity. As we walk, we may find that our thoughts flow more freely, allowing for deeper self-reflection and more insightful conversations. The changing environment and sensory stimuli encountered during a walk can also help to spark new ideas and new perspectives. The outdoors environment can be incorporated as part of the therapeutic work, such as by using natural grounding tools or nature-based metaphors.

What should you consider before having outdoor therapy?

Is Walk and Talk Therapy Right for me?

While Walk and Talk Therapy offers many benefits, it is not the right fit for everyone. Some people may prefer the confidentiality and structure of a traditional therapy setting. Additionally, individuals with certain physical limitations may find walking uncomfortable or challenging. It is essential we have an open discussion to determine if this approach aligns with your needs and preferences.

What if I’m not used to walking?

I will adjust the pace of our walk to suit your comfort level. You can decide whether to walk continuously or to take breaks, such as sitting on a bench. The sessions are flexible and tailored to your needs.

What happens if the weather isn’t ideal?

I am open to conducting sessions in various weather conditions, but if you have specific preferences, it’s important to communicate this to me. If the weather is too hot or rainy, I might suggest an alternative plan such as working online. 

How is confidentiality maintained?

Before the first walk and talk therapy session, I will inform you of how confidentiality can be implemented in a natural environment. Because walk and talk therapy takes place in a natural setting, there could be times when nearby people may hear parts of a session. To prevent this, we will temporarily pause the conversation until privacy is restored.

What about maintaining boundaries?

Although the physical setting is different, the professional boundaries between client and counsellor remain the same. The therapeutic relationship and working agreement are still in effect, ensuring emotional safety and integrity. I will explain these boundaries clearly during the first session.

Conclusion

Walk and talk therapy offers the perfect blend of mental clarity from counselling and the mood-boosting power of a good walk! By stepping out of the traditional counselling practice setting and into the fresh air, this dynamic approach creates a sense of freedom that simply sitting in a chair can’t provide. It's a refreshing, energizing way to work through your feelings while embracing the outdoors.

So, if you’re ready to take active steps—literally and emotionally—toward better mental health, lace up those shoes and let’s get moving!